Hello...is it me you're looking for?

A perfect storm of astro-weather is floating around for the next few days including the third Super Moon in as many months, a partial lunar eclipse and the transit of Venus for the first and last time in about a hundred years. I am not an expert on these matters (check out Elizabeth Peru's great posts on all things astro) BUT I do know that times like these should not, and often cannot, be ignored.

And so, for me it is back to that old chestnut of SELF-APPROVAL. After spending the weekend wanting to blame my beloved for everything I realise I am the one who is being hunted down, and I should bloody well stop doing the same to him. Hello old friend, fear of disapproval, yes, it's me you're looking for.

Blah, I am so incredibly over it especially because I was certain that I had once and for all attained enlightenment on this particular matter. But no. Here it is again, a gift from the Universal forces conspiring this very minute to help us realise our truth and beauty. Luckily, once again, the timing for me is perfect. Last time the Super Moon was working to enlighten me I was super sick and had no choice but to be still. And as of today I am on maternity leave.

So here I sit in my super-organised apartment (super organised because I was nesting like a pregnant freak all weekend long), with nothing that I must do. The onion analogy is on my mind. I would like to, here this minute, be totally in awe and wonder of myself in a perfect ego-less way, but layers and layers are needing to be peeled before there is nothing left of this powerful and annoying step. That's ok. I have taken some big steps forward in the last few months.

And now as this wee baby is but 3 weeks away, another opportunity awaits for me to move through my own fear.I have the distinct impression also that this delightful soul inside of won't be born until I deal with this. Babies in utero, in my opinion, are still intimately connected consciously with all that is. This wise one knows what mama is dealing with undoubtedly, and will be happy to let me sort it out before joining us fully on this earthly plane.

I have no intention of plowing through on my own. I have picked up my 'how to deal with needy emotions' bible by Byron Katie - I need your love - is that true? Such a dorky but apt title. I LOVE this woman. She is a miracle worker and everyone should get onto her. Don't take my word for it. Watch her in action...

Don't be surprised if you are feeling things right now. Let them come up. It's the very best way to let them go so you can be free. Oh my God, that is soooo where I want to be.

The wisest person I know - me at age 5

When I had just turned five years old, I remember one thing vividly. I remember telling my five year old self to never forget that being four was the best year of my life. I have never forgotten this memo to myself, but what was I thinking? What attribute of being four made it so that my heart and mind knew to hold onto it, wanted to be forever impressed with this knowledge?

Along with this note to self, there is one other striking image of being four that still clings to me. It is a photo of my fourth birthday party. There is a big group of four year old's playing chasey. I am running towards the camera but oblivious to it, being chased by my dad. On my face is a look of total exhilaration as I run as fast as I possibly can. I am free. I am joyous. At least I feel that way now when I look upon this picture.

Did I know, even then, that the feeling of freedom and joy would be hard, near impossible t hold onto in daily life? Did I know that everything on earth appears designed to rob you of those innate senses as you grow? Did I know that I lived in trust that everything I needed would be provided, and that was what gave me such sense of my own freedom?

I do know that my five year old self knew something and didn't want me to forget it, ever. It will be my blessing to go back and retrieve that wisdom now.