Finding joy in the graveyard

Last Sunday marked the fifth anniversary of the day that my beloved's mother passed away. It has always been a strange and melancholy time for our family because it is the day before my beloved's birthday. And five years ago, as Jan was in her last days, my beloved and I met. His heart was raw and pure and wide open, and even within those first few days of knowing one another I held his hand as he chose a burial site and coffin and the clothes in which his mother would be laid to rest. We chose readings and flowers for the funeral together. We were, in a way, forged in his grief. It made everything about our relationship more powerful and in some ways much more difficult as the days passed and those first intense weeks of love and pain became the exhaustion of interminable loss.

Now, five years on, we have made our love our own, not marked by the wounds of either of our histories (as much as we are humanly able to do so). And so this year as the anniversary loomed I felt strongly that I wanted us to make memories for our children, for our family, and somehow keep Jan in all of our hearts.

Jan grew up in Sale in country Victoria and that is where she is laid to rest. So on Saturday we packed the boys in the Tarago and made the 3 hour trek eastward almost to the edge of Australia. We found an Austrian themed motel that hadn't been updated in 20 years or more but was clean and friendly and we determined to explore the countryside as well as to pay our respects.

On Saturday we hiked along the beach in the cold, autumnal sunshine and in the evening we ate schnitzel and strudel prepared by our Austrian host. On Sunday we went to a market and bought daffodil bulbs and pink buns to take to the grave site. We drove right up to the big tree at the back of the graveyard, the spot my beloved chose with such care as the place to give his mother to the earth, and we planted bulbs and sang songs and ate buns and stifled laughter as Finn did his best zombie impression.

And my beloved carried his new baby son to Jan's headstone and introduced grandmother to grandchild. And we cried quietly, fleetingly, as Luka waved his little arms in apparent recognition.

In the afternoon we walked in the dazzling sunshine through the wetlands to shake off the ghosts. We took Finn for a final scoot at the skate park. And then we made our way home. It was more than I could have hoped for. We began to build something on the bones of loss, and from them something wonderful has started to grow. Daffodils, yes, but so much more.

Smiling at the washing line or where does joy come from - part 2?

Just lately, I have found myself smiling at the washing on the line. Whilst doing the dishes. Seriously. My heart  suddenly becomes so full of joy that I am smiling at the laundry.

Yesterday, as my son scooted along in front of me, and I pushed the baby in the pram, we made our way home from the corner store. Watching my little boy confidently navigate his scooter one handed, holding his icy pole in the other hand, I thought my heart might burst with the sheer delight of it.

What is this thing called joy? And where does it come from? If you've read this blog before you'll know this question is often with me.

At the moment, joy seems to happen to me in times of peace. But then you could just as well say, where does that peace come from?

For me, right now, peace comes to me from moving slowly. From stopping and staring in wonder every single time the baby smiles, taking an extra long time to hang out the washing just to be in the sunshine for as long as possible, from watching the dusk light illuminate the change table. Oh, and coffee. Definitely coffee.

Technicolour Dream Pants or where does joy come from?

Late pregnancy, I am discovering, has me spending lots of time thinking about lots of things.Thinking too much is never a good thing in my experience and yet the mind charges on unrelenting in it's list making and fact finding and guilt inducing task.

This image for example, which I love, has been staring back at me from this post, in draft form, for days now. I really want to share it with you. I don't know why. It just makes me feel... The mind has been looking for a clever way to package it, to attach it to a theme, to make it universal somehow. I've been overthinking it.

During my last pregnancy, what seems like a lifetime ago, and in many ways was, I was in a constant state of what I can only imagine was hormone induced bliss. My external circumstances were certainly far from ideal and sometimes downright scary. Yet I was freakishly relaxed, calm and joyful. This time round could not be more different. I have my beautiful man, our home, domestic bliss, a gorgeous boy so excited to become a big brother. And my moments of joy are few and far between.

What the hell is going on? What is this thing called joy and where does it come from? More importantly, where does it go? 

I have this theory that happiness and joy are different things. Happiness is attached to external circumstances. You feel happiness because of thins thing, or that person etc etc. Joy, on the other hand, is an internal experience.It wells up from within you, often unexpectedly and is not reliant on any external stimuli to engender it. As a result it is often fleeting. It is perhaps the secret to why we are alive - to know joy at all times regardless of the circumstances.

In my last pregnancy I moved much more slowly in the world, I meditated more often, I worked less and I certainly didn't think as much. I was much more present to my interior life than the outside world. The circumstances were rotten but the feeling of joy was abundant.

Suffice to say, this time round I am busy busy busy. I am out in the world in one way or another most of the time. The world I inhabit is wonderful and I am surrounded by love. But the world of my soul, my inside life doesn't get much of a look in.

Aha, I think. Or better yet, aha, I feel.

So here is an image that I want to share with you for no particular earth shattering reason. Other than it makes me feel joy from right down deep in my very big belly. 

The wisest person I know - me at age 5

When I had just turned five years old, I remember one thing vividly. I remember telling my five year old self to never forget that being four was the best year of my life. I have never forgotten this memo to myself, but what was I thinking? What attribute of being four made it so that my heart and mind knew to hold onto it, wanted to be forever impressed with this knowledge?

Along with this note to self, there is one other striking image of being four that still clings to me. It is a photo of my fourth birthday party. There is a big group of four year old's playing chasey. I am running towards the camera but oblivious to it, being chased by my dad. On my face is a look of total exhilaration as I run as fast as I possibly can. I am free. I am joyous. At least I feel that way now when I look upon this picture.

Did I know, even then, that the feeling of freedom and joy would be hard, near impossible t hold onto in daily life? Did I know that everything on earth appears designed to rob you of those innate senses as you grow? Did I know that I lived in trust that everything I needed would be provided, and that was what gave me such sense of my own freedom?

I do know that my five year old self knew something and didn't want me to forget it, ever. It will be my blessing to go back and retrieve that wisdom now.

Making my own canang sari

In Bali, the place I have the pleasure of being at this moment in time, there is the practice of making offerings known as 'canang sari' three times per day...

It is basically a ritual of giving back what has been given to you by the Gods. It is a sharing that is not based upon fear, but on gratitude to the richness of life. Offering appeases the spirits and brings prosperity and good health to the family. It is a duty and an honour at the same time, and in Balinese perspective a very natural and almost logical thing to maintain a good relationship between people and spirits....Essentially all things have a place and all relations between elements are ultimately what life and death are about. The smallest gestures have an impact and throughout time, maintaining a balanced relationship with spirits, people and nature is the key. So next time you stumble upon an offering tray, remember that it may seem like a small thing but the whole cosmos is related to it, so it's best not to step on it.

How simple it would be to enact this gratitude to the richness of life in our daily lives. Gratitude is so easily misplaced in the harried existences we live. It is my resolution to take home this simple practice to my daily life to outwardly express my gratitude rather than simply taking everything for granted ( I have taken to the habit of expressing gratitude every time I flush my toilet! What a joyous gift this machine is to a happy home!). 

I will make my canang sari from what I have at hand - incense, flowers, water, food - it doesn't matter so much. The act of enacting gratitude is what signals your intention to the Universe to live a joy-filled life.

Thinking my next tattoo...

This image of Mary Magdalene or...


the words...


My walking heart


wrapped in a banner on the back of my neck below the existing tattoo of a feminine cross...
with this

added to the cross.

And the one I ended up with?

Symptoms of Inner Peace

Symptoms of Inner Peace

I love this list of inner peace symptoms. Click on the link above to read the post from Coach Cecily.

Being a tourist of your own life

I have just returned from a truly wonderful adventure in North America. For a time we were in the Adirondacks in upstate New York, and much to my joy and amazement, we were in knee deep and fresh falling snow in April! It was such a magic, secluded and beautiful place that I proposed to my partner, Julian, right there in the middle of all that snow. He said...YES!

Happily, we are now engaged. And returned home. 
And herein lies my challenge...

Being back has made me recognise how expansive, adventurous and attuned to the positive I am when I travel. When 'real life' sets in it can be hard to maintain the effortless joy that comes with travel. The challenge I have set myself is to be like a tourist in my own life. In other words, to walk around with fresh wonder and wide-eyed amazement. 

I am happy to report that so far this has worked a treat. As the days pass though I feel myself closing up little by little and I must keep reminding myself of the feeling of being awake to the possibility of what life might bring.

When we are away from our normal daily routine, especially when we are travelling, we are alive with anticipation of what each day might bring. When we get home, we fall into a well trodden routine, closed off, bored even and unaware of the possibility that is all around.

I have set myself the task of being awed by my life, by my home, my environment as though I was seeing it all for the very first time, of feeling like a bold adventurer in the day to day. And the best part - no ridiculous airfares and overpriced hotels!

Bon voyage fellow travellers!

Lessons on the path to peaceful parenting

Lesson #3

CRANK UP THE JOY!

Lesson to the Self #2

Abandon everything, joyfully, to chase after ice cream trucks

Lessons on the path to peaceful parenting

Lesson to self #1

Adventure is often messy. The amount of mess created is an excellent measure of the intensity of joy experienced. 

Ways to play (when you're not a natural player)

It was with some amusement that I opened The Sunday Life mag yesterday to find a column by Mia Freedman about the dread she feels when her kids ask her to play with them. Only the night before I had been espousing the soul benefits of being more playful and playing more with my son.  But her article rang true for me.

There will always be a thousand other things I want to do other than play like a four year old. And I am also not naturally gifted at playing. Which is precisely why I took myself off to learn to play last week with Sherry and Donna, and to arm myself with an arsenal of play 'tools' to keep it interesting for both me and my son.

Most adults don't want to play like little kids. But I do want to participate fully in my son's life  And he wants to play. So this weekend we tried more creative acts of play. 

We tinkered on Sunday, taking apart old remotes and torches that don't work and cords that have been homeless for years. I left it out on the table all day and he returned to it endlessly, both with me and without me. Starting something off with him and leaving it set up is often enough to encourage independent play (just as important as me playing with him) and gave me time to read the paper.

Then we played hide and seek, which was hilariously funny. Especially as he is not entirely certain of the game, and with unsupressed exuberance he would launch himself from his hiding spot squealing and giggling, 'Suprise!' even before I had started looking. I haven't laughed so much in a very long time.

To play: Parenting in the light Part 4

Wool maze

So then, how to show my son all the grand philosophy I want him to know?


Lots of earnest, inspired ideas came to mind as I thought about how to bring the sacred into our day to day lives; how to support us both to be peaceful beings. But the first thing I asked myself is, 'what does he want to do most of all in his day?'


The answer is terribly simple. He just wants to PLAY. 


And when I thought some more I realised I am the one to have forgotten how to do this. It seems as if this very verb, to play, might be the thing lacking in me (and so many other adults), and of which if I had more life would be much sweeter. I might forgive easily, judge less, like more, laugh often, and even cry when I needed to for as long as I liked. 


So like the researcher that I am I attended a workshop entitled Engaging Boys. I was the only non-educator in a room of kindergarten teachers, but it made little difference. I got what I wanted. I learnt how to really play with a boy who is learning about who is in the very act of playing.

I want my son to know he is a joyous, joy-filled being in a world full of potential joy. I want him to be playful with life. I want him to be light of heart and spontaneous and flexible and quick to smile. It is I that needs to bring that. He already is it. But every time I fail to be playful with my life, and especially with him, I take a little bit of joy out of our lives. 

Today, my son and I took a ball of shiny blue wool into the garden. And he ran from tree to fence to agapantha to post until he had made his very own web. He hissed like a snake the entire time. Then he invited me in, and we wove our way through it, and tangled ourselves in it and wound our way in and out. We made ourselves human catapults and we watched the light dance off this mighty maze that he had created. And I loved every moment of it. I played for the sheer delight of it. And now I really wanna make my own.

The Alchemy of Love and Joy

Cindy Teevens is one of the authors in the final four of the Next Top Spiritual Author Competition. Her book is entitled The Alchemy of Love and Joy, and she also has a brilliant website with many great articles about the nature of joy and how to attain it in your life, without anything external having to change. I love talking and writing about joy and love Cindy's style.

It is an amazing resource and one well worth checking out.

Here is the link:
Alchemy of Love and Joy

One of my favourite songs from one of my favourite films

Joy

JOY

Where is it that JOY resides?

First, in never looking back. Second, in never looking forward. Now. Here. This is the only place you can access joy.

And why this thing called Joy? Why make it so important above all things?

Joy is the spiritual lubricant. It is the gift that brings assistance in all things, all endeavours. It is the motivating force in life. How can you achieve anything if it is not motivated by joy?

At first, joy may seem a chore. As you awaken from your slumber it may seem impossible to feel good about anything. It may seem that joy is a frivolous and useless emotion. BUT, in truth it is joy that is feared the most because it is the most powerful feeling of them all. In truth you are terrified of something so raw and generous and pervasive, of letting so much light in. It is better to remain miserable and cynical and doubtful for that is the place in the shadows, the safety of the darkness.

Once you declare your love for joy, and stand in the full and brilliant light, joy is everywhere! Joy begets joy! There is no release from its powerful grasp - there is no looking back and looking forward. There is only deep gratitude for this very second. For this is the answer, the key to accessing joy in this moment. Rejoice! Be deeply grateful and you will feel the joy pour forth. You will be brought to your knees by joy's awesome power as the love you hide away breaks free and washes over your entire body, unshackles the ties, liberates your soul from its enslavement. You will be the bringer of light. You are this!

Again, Joy.

Joy is the feeling state that best defines all that humanity has been offered in this life. Joy is the very best, highest, most perfect state and the attainment of this state is the reason you agreed to journey to Earth in the fist place. Joy is the reason that your heart beats and the reason you strive for anything. Joy is what heaven feels like, and when you feel joy in this life, you have brought Heaven to Earth. Your heaven is now. Your joy is now. Do not delay it for one moment. Now is the time of your awakening and the time of your enlightenment to the reason of your life.

So if the external reality does not match the feeling state of joy, move into meditation. Hold the vision of your joyful state. Do this daily. Think of nothing else. Devote yourself to the attainment of your JOY! We want nothing else from you. The world will transform around you. And you will melt into the peace of Heaven on Earth.

You are the Creator. Begin now.

This is how life should feel - joy, joy, joy!

Words from the Divine Mother (mine!)

Today I offer part of a message from master channel, Angelique Adams. I am deeply blessed that she is also my mother. Enjoy these words, which resonate to the depths of my soul.

You do not need all of the answers to all of the questions today, right now. Move back into this moment. Fill this moment with the beauty that you really are - the beauty that you came to share on this planet at this time. Just be fully present to the present.

In time, dearest one, your moments will accumulate and create a glorious now - this is your frustration - deep down inside of your consciousness lies an impression of the reality you chose for yourself - you are judging yourself because you have decided that your reality (what you perceive to be your reality in this moment) does not match your intention for your life.

And yet, we say unto you, there are many filters you could use to perceive your so called reality but this is our take on what we can see.

Here is an earth angel with bound wings and with a very effective blind-fold. This blind-fold allows her to look into a reflecting surface and see what she believes is there, rather than her truth. Dearest, dearest one, we implore you, you have examined this path many times already - you have proved over and over - it does not take you home to your heart's content - to your amazing resting place of wisdom and perfect love.

Stop! Stop kicking up the dust - stop and let the dust settle so that you might begin to see the truth of your potential. Stop putting limitations on the potential you are here to demonstrate and begin to feel the calm energies of creation that you are here to gift to the planet. First you must remember who you are, what you are and your reason for being. There is so much more than you have yet discovered about yourself. Pre-set your intention meter. You are not defined by your own harsh self judgements in our realms of consciousness. Stand very still, calm your confusion and doubt, powerful as they may appear, they have only one job to do - that is to bind your wings and blind your eyes to your own precious truth.

The unlimited abundance of all creation surrounds you always, own it, invite it, demand it and let it go!

So - for now - our own very precious one - STOP - stop the game playing- it is a diversion off your powerful light path. It engages energies within your system that detracts from and dampens your light.

Stop - stand still, stop the game and breathe into the light. Let everything settle and gently and slowly your blindfold will drop away so you may see your own truth of a 1000 suns radiating their powerful light.

Angelique Adams (c) 2009
www.anahatasanctuary.com

JOY

Where is it that JOY resides?

First, in never looking back. Second, in never looking forward. Now. Here. This is the only place you can access joy.

And why this thing called Joy? Why make it so important above all things?

Joy is the spiritual lubricant. It is the gift that brings assistance in all things, all endeavours. It is the motivating force in life. How can you achieve anything if it is not motivated by joy?

At first, joy may seem a chore. As you awaken from your slumber it may seem impossible to feel good about anything. It may seem that joy is a frivolous and useless emotion. BUT, in truth it is joy that is feared the most because it is the most powerful feeling of them all. In truth you are terrified of something so raw and generous and pervasive, of letting so much light in. It is better to remain miserable and cynical and doubtful for that is the place in the shadows, the safety of the darkness.

Once you declare your love for joy, and stand in the full and brilliant light, joy is everywhere! Joy begets joy! There is no release from its powerful grasp - there is no looking back and looking forward. There is only deep gratitude for this very second. For this is the answer, the key to accessing joy in this moment. Rejoice! Be deeply grateful and you will feel the joy pour forth. You will be brought to your knees by joy's awesome power as the love you hide away breaks free and washes over your entire body, unshackles the ties, liberates your soul from its enslavement. You will be the bringer of light. You are this!

Allow God's gracious light to flood the world in its most magnificent manifestation, that of the joy of the light of the world. Rejoice and all else falls away. You are in love with the world and the world cannot help but love you.

Release all else. Make joy your true home. It is the language of the soul. How many times must you hear, life was not meant to be a struggle! Free yourself with joy!

Be that powerful truth and you will see in the light that joy has been maligned only to keep you in prison. It is the secret of the world. YOU ARE BORN TO BE JOYFUL! What a secret! Share that joy with the world and set yourself free.

In deepest gratitude and abundant joyous love to all.