Why am I always the one who says sorry?

Self-discovery and pregnancy go well together

What a long time it has been since I last wrote. I attribute it to my pregnancy that whilst wonderful and a joyful state to be in is also exhausting. But I also made a huge discovery that I documented in my previous post, and, well...the discovery and the action to back it up are two very different things. I have been working pretty conscientiously to back myself up - to do the work required to integrate the new knowledge. Undertaking this whilst on the hormonal rollercoaster that is pregnancy has been fascinating to say the least.

A big part of integrating the knowledge that I have spent my life in a fruitless search for approval from others has been in working on my relationship with my best beloved. He is a wonderful, frustratingly patient man who appears to have mastered the rollercoaster of his own emotions. The first place I seem to go when I am feeling in need of an 'approval-hit' is this man. And when I don't get my needy, passive aggressive behaviour met in the way I would like it to be (Or would I?) I get emotional, angry and generally self-righteous.

Awakening to this pattern has been hard and is most certainly ongoing. But when I do recognise it, and it happens much more easily these days, I take responsibility for it. I say sorry. I have been saying sorry a great deal in the last few weeks. And it feels wonderful. The next step is to circumvent the whole process through activating self-approval. Joyful self-discovery continues!